late-night talks

on the phone every night is officially my new hobby. I simply love late night talks. It's so weird because around this time last year, I had a cellphone but I rarely ever used it because I was scared of having awkward silences on the phone with people. This year, I came to realize that there's so much to a single phone call. I remember everything people tell me on the phone because for some reason, it feels like people are more honest over the phone than any other time in their life. It's easy to just speak your mind and just be open without a care in the world. I mean, c'mon, what's the worst that can happen? You hang up on the person or they hang up on you right? LOL Whether it's to just hear the person's voice before you to go to sleep or to talk things out, or to have deep conversations, late night phone calls are, in my opinion, relaxing and enjoyable, and they're my perfect way to end things every night before I go to sleep.

I need

sleep. Like B-A-D.

:P

I've been up until at least 1 a.m. this whole week trying to catch up 

in everything, but since it's the weekends now, 

I guess it's nappy-time heaven.

:D

A great weight

has officially been lifted off my shoulders. 

Not only am I glad that I finally finished and turned in my research paper,

I'm caught up in all my classes again.

I'm also glad that I caught up in math, 

I'm caught up in art, 

and I'm caught up in world history.

I can feel all the pressure slowly disappear and it feels pretty darn good(:

Sweet Sixteenth

Today was definitely not what I had expected my "sweet sixteenth" to be like. 

In fact, it was the complete opposite of what I had expected when I woke up this morning.

Let's just say, it was,...

amazing.

I showed up to tae kwon do really early today just to warm up and get ready for our demo performance today. Although it was freezing cold outside, all of us still worked our butts off just to make sure we got everything down and ready. When we were half way done, one of my friends from tae kwon do showed up late,...but with balloons. LOL He walked out of his car, carrying two gigantic balloons, one labeled 1, and the other, a 6! He carried them over to me and seriously, I was completely touched because just the thought that anyone even bothered to go through the trouble of buying me something made me feel so loved. After that, my best friend showed up to support me today. For the first time ever, she saw the place and people whom I've surrounded myself with for majority of my last 2 years. Just the fact that she was there, completely brightened up my day because it meant SO much to me, like you don't even understand. Seeing her there was just like a confidence booster plus a mood booster all in one. After the belt ceremony, my best friend left and my siblings and I just went over to some of our friend's house to chill for the rest of the day. What ended up happening was, they threw me a "surprise birthday party" kinda thing. Although there were a few mishaps and whatnot, I really did appreciate their time and effort,  every single one of those kids risked their time and effort just to be there with me on my birthday. They even went as far out as buying me a cake and ring pop just to represent my "coming of age" as they had put it. LOL. Just being with them today reminded me of how happy and close we all used to be in the past. Around 6:30 p.m. or so, my mom came to pick us up and we all drove over to pick up my Kati for dinner. I couldn't have asked for a better birthday dinner, surrounded by family and my best friend. Just being surrounded by the people I care for and love made me feel complete and honestly happy. 

I'm scared to lose her, more than I already have.

I'm scared of losing him.

 I'm scared no one will want me.

I'm scared of having nothing important in my life.

I'm scared of losing it all.

I'm scared of coming to a school where no one cares.

I'm scared of change.

I'm scared that I can't adjust to this change.

I'm scared of throwing everything we had away.

I'm scared of broken promises and words.

I'm scared to admit all this.

I'm scared of everything right now.

I'm just scared.

sixteen.

16.

What's so important about this age?

Like, seriously?

LOL

At 13, you're officially a "teenager."

At 18, you're officially "legal."

At 21, you're officially legal to consume alcohol and smoke.

At 65+, you can officially "retire."

But 16?'

What can you LEGALLY do at the age of 16?

Get your permit?

But what's the point of getting your permit if your parents won't let you drive anyways?

LOL

So..I don't really see the "specialness" about turning 16,

other than growing another year older.

:P

I promise, I pinky promise, I swear

I'm losing you

And it's killing me

More than you know...

I hate to choose between the two of you

because

This is my nightmare come to life...

I told you I would never choose anyone over you

And I admit it, these last few days,

It feels like I've totally gone back on my words
But

I don't want to lose you

I never want to lose you

&&

I will do whatever it takes to balance my time and love

between the BOTH of you,

I promise,

I pinky promise,

I swear.

<3(:

CAHSEE

I really DO hope I passed that test? Everyone who has taken it before tells me the exact same thing everytime I ask:

"It's so easy. There's NO way to fail it."

I believed them and walked into that classroom feeling pretty darn confident of myself.

I walked OUT of that classroom, feeling incredibly unsure.

I guess I underestimated everything. I forgot to remember the fact that English is not one of my strongest subjects in school.

I really am hoping that by some small chance/miracle,

I passed.

bestfriends

"A true friend knows your weaknesses but shows your strengths; feels your fears but fortifies your faith; sees your anxieties but frees your spirit; recognizes your disabilities but emphasizes your possibilities."

- William Arthur Ward

You know all my weaknesses; yet you stand by my side. 

You know I have drama in my life; yet here you are, helping me pull through. 

You know all my fears; yet you never tell anyone else of them. 

You know all my worries; yet you know all the right things to say and do to calm me down. 

Everyone gave up on me; yet you still have faith. 

People don't approve of all my actions; yet you support 100/100 of them all, even if they're dumb. 

I act like a dork in public and get weird stares/whispers; yet you join in with me to make it look like the new "COOL" thing to do.  

There's a bajillion more things I know I can list about you but 

I won't because then it would take days, weeks, months to read it all

BASICALLy,

I really don't know what life would be like without you

 and I know that this time, I'm not just simply throwing this word out there

I know that I'm using the right words to describe you

Katelyn Schaich,

my 

BEST FRIEND.

k-a-r-m-a

It's coming back to get me. 

I know it, I can feel it every single day and every single time I'm happy around friends and the people that I love. 

To tell you the truth, I'm terribly afraid of what karma might do to my life. 

People tell me not to worry but HOW do I stop? 

If I have done something I shouldn't have in my life, it's definitely going to come back and get me twice as hard. 

I really should have thought about my actions before because I wouldn't be in the position that I am in now. 

I know it's too late to take back what I've done so all I can do now is brace myself for the impact.

one in this world...

I don’t know how exactly, to describe this feeling that often comes to me. I remember that the first time I’ve ever felt so alone in this world was during preschool. I don’t know where the feeling came from but it just came to me while I was laying on the swings on my tummy. Back and forth, back and forth. While I was swinging back and forth, I suddenly felt all alone in this world, like no one else was around me. It was such a scary feeling and I remember how it felt like I was in this dark dark world where there was only me. One person in this world. I often get this feeling every now and then but I can’t recall having this scary feeling for the last few weeks. Today, out of nowhere, while sitting in Leadership, this feeling came back to me. Although I was surrounded by 20-30 people in that small room, I felt scared and alone. I don’t know why but it totally scared me. I don’t like that feeling because in a way, I see it as a sign. A sign that I’m bound to be alone in this life, one way or another. I don’t know how and I don’t know why but I carry that constant fear around with me all the time.
That’s why
I hate to be alone.

TKD

That's probably a word that you all haven't heard me mention in a while. Once again, TKD testing is coming up. It just so happens to be on my sixteenth birthday too so I really hope everything goes well this time. Our demo team is planning on meeting up this weekend to plan out our whole routine for the performance, which is pretty normal. But, since my best friend is hopefully coming to see me for the first time, the pressure's on. I never want to look bad in front of crowds, and especially not in front of my best friend. Hopefully, the phobia will go away by the time we walk through the door on the day of testing.

<3(:

Let's make it work this time because

First time around, things didn't go as we had hoped.
That's all there was to it.
This time around, our bond is a lot stronger because
We both have grown and changed bit by bit.
We fight, we make up but
Our fights made us learn how special the other person is.
We will face problems we both may not like but
with you by my side, I know we can make it through.
Now, look at where we are, because
I sure am lovin' it.
Let's both keep this going.
Let's both hold on and never let go because
iloveyou.

(:

I really cannot stop smiling. I think many people by now have realized that my mood can change from sad to happy or from tears to laughs within seconds. I don't know. I just have been incredibly happy nonstop for the last few days. Yesterday night, something happened and my mood went from 

(: to :'[ 

within five minutes. I went from overly happy to insecure and unsure, but after a 30-minute phone call ["PEP TALK"] with my best friend, I felt more confident in my decision than before. I really cannot help BUT smile knowing that I am surrounded by such great friends, and some, possibly more. I feel incredibly blessed in my life so I am forever grateful to all of them.

<3