Once again...I'm indecisive

Just like the title of my blog states, ONCE AGAIN I'M INDECISIVE. Today at TKD, I almost decided to stay and not take a month off. GASP right? :x I thought I had made up my mind to quit TKD for one whole month but like, I don't know. Today was just different . Nothing made me mad today, nobody said anything dumb to me to piss me off and just today, I felt like I accomplished something, like I was actually TRYING at TKD, for once. I don't know if it was just because there were only a FEW kids there today or just that today was my good day. I guess I'll never know but whatever, training at TKD today made me feel good about myself and that's like..RARE. I almost decided against my OWN decision to take a month off but like in the end, I told myself that I needed a break. Just one good day at TKD isn't going to mean the passion for it is going to be there everyday. and neither is it going to make me change my mind, so I'm sticking with my primary decision and I'm going to take a month off.

Halloween '08

Ok, so like today was just..AWESOME! That probably would be the best word to use to describe it. Two days ago, out of nowhere, my friends came up with an idea for a costume that we can all participate in and dress up as: Pacman and ghosts. LOL I thought that the idea was pretty NEAT because one, it was cute and two, it was original, which was PERFECT bceause I never really liked Halloween because of all the scary costumes and black cats and scarecrows, etc. Yes, I'm afraid of scarecrows. Go ahead and laugh.(: But yeah, back to the subject, I basically NEVER dress up anymore so I thought I could go for a change this year. Katelyn bought the t-shirts for us [[thank you hun<3]]. Hand drawing circles and round figures are SO NOT easy, trust me. But, whatever. In the end, it was all so worth it.(: I think I have the right to say this: WE LOOKED PRETTY SICK TODAY @ SCHOOL! However, the whole day went by pretty slow. I don't know if it's just me or if the time seemed to feel longer in all of the periods today. So many good things happneed today but I guess it's time I mention the not-so-good things now:
1. I had WAY too much candy, BIG mistake. [[too much candy = stomacheache]]
2. Mrs. Miller freaked me out BIG TIME today. She was dressed up as a clown..and I have this BIG fear of clowns.
3. We watched this scary movie in Spanish class today and I can't stop thinking about the scary parts. [[Me and Amy were holding each others hands the whole entire time, so every time a scary part showed up, we'd squeeze the other person's hands so hard, any harder and our blood circulation would've stopped LOL]] That movie scared me to the point where I can't be alone anywhere and everywhere I go. Other than that, today was fun. For once, I actually looked FORWARD to Halloween this year and just the fact that my friends dressed up WITH me and that we were all matching, totally made my day, month, wait, no, YEAR!(:












I might be a LITTLE bit late to say this but: Happy Halloween everyone(:

Temporary Happiness? or More?

Ever since Saturday, I've felt this sudden feeling of overwhelming giddiness burst inside of me. Suddenly, everything seems so happy and bright to me again. I feel so light and just...overly sprung about everything. I don't know if this is good or bad for me because, just last week, I was a wreck. I was depressed and just overwhelmed everyday about everything going on in my life but nowadays, the only thing you'll see on my face is a smile. I'm continuously smiling and laughing around everyone and you won't see me frown or cry at school. Over the weekend, I've made so many new friends who make me laugh nonstop and we've made so many new memories that I will never forget. I never knew that clubs at school could build so many new friendships and bonds between kids who probably would've never talked with each other out of nowhere. I'm just glad that there are such things AS clubs out there to help build strong and hopefully, everlasting relationships among students in high schools.

Needing some space...

My passion and love for Tae Kwon Do (aka TKD) is definitely still there, yes, but it's not as strong as it was before, like when I first joined. Whoever plays a sport or has a hobby that they really enjoy doing might understand what I'm trying to say. Usually, on my way to TKD, I would get this nervous/excited/anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach for some weird reason. It might not sound all great to you  but it was definitely a good thing for me. It made me realize I was just really excited to go there and see everyone and train again. But to tell you the truth, that feeling has been slowly disappearing more and more by the day. That fact scares me so much. I'm not only taking a break from TKD because of all the stress, but I'm also trying to give some distance between me and that sport that I love to seee if that feeling might come back once I return to TKD in December. I want that nervous feeling in my stomach. I want to feel anxious about going there again, not knowing what to expect. But, unfortunately, these past few weeks, those feelings have been replaced by feelings of fear, annoyance, apathy, and vulnerability. In a way, this is kind of like a relationship. After spending fur days a week with this person doing the same repetitive things, having the same repetitive conversations, every day, every week, every month, eventually you would grow tired of it. It's only natural right? Well, in most relationships, this is the point where couples decide to take a "break" to decide whether they prefer being apart of being together, so I've decided to try that out too. I've decided to take a break from training because I need some breathing room and I don't want my passion and love for this sport to disappear completely. I want to regain that feeling of excitement again. 

Taking a Break

My last few weeks have been like a roller coaster  of emotions. Everyday, no wait, every hour, my emotions change. One minute, I was happy. A few minutes later, I was sad. After a few hours, I was either feeling disappointed, jealous,  distressed, scared, embarrassed, greedy, selfish, disgusted, angry, optimistic, remorseful, regretful, etc. Name a feeling, and I'll tell you: "I've felt that way within the last few weeks." Like, seriously. So much had happened in such a small amount of time and I can't handle going through various emotions like that in 2 weeks. In addition to that, I barely got any sleep every night because I was either doing loads of homework or thinking, and that kind of tied to my mood during school. The lack of sleep made me grouchy and easily annoyed at everything. A lot of people saw this change in me, and that meant my parents included. I asked them to quit tae kwon do for a month for some chill time to kick back and relax a little bit and they actually agreed that it would do beneficial for me. I was really surprised because I was sort of expecting to hear a "NO" from them. I just really hope that the next few weeks will be stress-free and advantageous for me.

"We keep quiet 'cause we're dead if they knew"

HAHA, I bet you're all thinking what's up with the title or what's up with this girl Cindy's obsession with blogs about love? But here's the thing, it's a line from my song on my page (Love Story by Taylor Swift). The song was based on the story Romeo and Juliet, so I decided to base my blog on that. The main topic is: "Do teen love stories always end with a happy ending?"

Like seriously, I'm wondering if every relationship will end happily ever after just like all those fairy tales we love to read, or will it end tragic, like for example, Romeo and Juliet. All of us probably still have that hope about finding our "perfect someone" out there somewhere and yes, as teenagers, we still have many years ahead of us to search for that perfect person, but what I'm wondering is: After you find that perfect person who "completes" you, will the two of you end up with an enviable and strong relationship that will last up until death or longer, or will it just be an immature relationship that resembles a dream that ends before it even happens? Once again, there's no right answer to that question. It's life, and life isn't always going to give you answers that will lead you down the right path or to help make things any easier for you.

My best friend helped me come up with this blog so just a random shout out: Thank You Kati!<3

Lost Love

I found this poem from my poetry portfolio last year and it just fit what I’m going through so well right now that I simply HAVE to post it up. I won’t post up the whole poem because it is way too long so I’ve decided to just post up the crucial parts of it, the parts that have a profound effect on my life that I could relate to.

“Lost within thought, that love has perished and can never be regained,
Fighting against fate for that emotion that I wish to attain,
That emotion that I had within reach is becoming more and more distant as time goes by,
Sitting on a cloud of hope, I peacefully sigh.”

Those were the first lines of my poem that I thought were important and couldn’t resist posting up. The last few lines were near the end of the poem.

“All I ever want is that lost love,
Wishing for it to fall right from above,
Wanting you to walk right out of my dreams
Let’s take a stroll along an infinite stream.”

I think these are the exact lines that I could relate to in life right now. Like I said in my previous blog, there are some feelings that I am trying to regain after losing it. If only I could take a stroll like in my poem and forget about everything in life. I won’t say anymore than those so please don’t ask. I just felt like it would help me to open up about my life right now and I guess it did help. I feel like everything in my life is so complicated right now. Suddenly, out of the blue, everything started piling down on me and I don’t know how to react to those events.

Human Nature

Why do people always want things they can’t have? For example, not all of us can have that friendship, love, affection, acceptance, respect, etc. we yearn for. Why is it that as humans, we also have this crazy trait? All of you have to admit it; there has been something in your life that you have wanted to have so badly, even when you know it can’t be yours. I am going through that right now. I wish for affection that I had let go of in the past. Unfortunately, I realized how much it meant to me and how badly I want to attain it again just recently, which is too late. Seriously, I think it’s a bad trait to have as humans. Why do we do that? If we didn’t desire these feelings, these things we call necessary in our life, we wouldn’t have to go through drama. The world would have one less thing to worry about. But then again, I have to contradict with myself, I guess, we can’t help it. We don’t realize how important someone or something is to us until we’ve lost it. I regret the choices I have made so much and I know a lot of people around me are going through the same thing too so I just wanted to let these feelings out and tell them that they’re not alone.

Indecisiveness

Is the worst trait to have sometimes. I mean, I know what I want but at the same time I'm not sure? Is that a normal trait to have? Because from what I see, indecisiveness can lead to so many things: people suffering, hurt, or just confused. I can simply summarize it in 3 words: I hate it. But then again, in a way, I am afraid of it. Like for me, when I am faced with two decisions and I don't know which one to choose, I get this weird voice in my head telling me to just let them both go. I can't choose one only because, I guess, in a way, I am a greedy person. I don't want just one of those choices, I want both. If I end up choosing just one, I will regret the decision later on in life and start asking myself the "what if" question. That's when I go into this phase where I just close off the world and basically close a wall around me just to avoid making anymore mistakes in my life. But as humans, I guess it's normal to make many mistakes because no one is perfect. I guess, all I want during those times, is a guardian angel, a hint, a sign, anything that could help tell me what to do and which choices to make. Sadly, that doesn't happen. Life forces you to make your own decisions, face your own consquences, deal with those consequences, and learn from the experience. "Fortunately for me, I have friends who will support me all the way, whenver, wherever, through whatever."

dont you just hate it

When parents don't respect your privacy? I don't know if many people share this problem, but in my family, my parents are way OVERLY overprotective. Like, you have no idea. I'll be online doing my homework and my dad will be right behind me watching my every move. It gets so bad that we get into arguments about this stuff all the time. My parents don't believe me when I'm online doing my homework at 11 p.m. at night. Obviously I'll be staying up late because I have tae kwon do 4 days a week usually from 6 p.m.- 7:30 p.m. I usually get home around 8 p.m. each night and I'm taking accelerated classes this year so obviously I'd stay up later than I did freshman year. During my freshman year, I barely had any homework and my parents kind of assumed that I'd have that same amount of homework the second year around. It gets so out-of-control sometimes and my parents and I get into so many arguments nowadays, since the day I turned thirteen to be exact. They always assume that since I entered my teen years that I'd be some wild crazy child that doesn't care about school. If you knew me today, you would know that I am the FURTHEST thing from that. To sum it all up, I guess what I'm trying to say is,  I wish that they would just put a little bit of trust into me and believe me once in a while. 

a family heirloom?

Yeah, in my family, there really is no single family heirloom. We pass everything and anything onto the next generation from clothing to jewelry. There's not exactly one thing that gets passed down. I guess, another way to see it is, anything and everything is special in our family. I'm guessing it's because anything important to my grandparents is still in their home country, lost or sold. My grandparents on my mom's side had to leave Vietnam many years ago to come to the United States, and when they left, they had a limited number of suitcases in which they could use to carry their stuff  so they only brought clothing and necessities that they will use in their new country. I wish they could have brought some things from their childhood but that never happened so there aren't any items from generations ago. But then again, I guess family heirlooms can start anytime right? If my grandma or my mother were to start something right now and pass it down to me, and I pass it on to my kids and so on, then that means the heirloom would start in this generation. Now that I think about it, that would be pretty cool actually. Maybe I should tell my mom about this soon.(:

Prince Charming

Does he really exist out there somewhere? Like, as kids, we read all kinds of fairy tales such as Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, the Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast, etc. Now what do all those stories have in common? Well, for one, they all have happy endings. It gives us young girls hope that one day, we will find our prince charming and run away and live a happy life together. But seriously, will that really happen with ALL of us? Like happy endings almost seem overrated sometimes.  I'm not trying to say I don't believe in true love, but all I want to know is "How do you know when you've found the right one?" Yes, I'm too young to think this far ahead into the future, but day by day, I see friends find someone who make them happy and wonder if that will happen to me one day. I just have too many questions in life that go unanswered and I get confused and when I'm confused, I let the tiniest things bother me.  I don't know. I guess I should just appreciate all that I have now and just worry about keeping friendship bonds instead of this. If it happens, it happens right?(:

a day to remember

Every once in a while, I think everyone needs a day off. Since the stress starts building up more and more everyday, it's healthy to just relax for a day with a friend(s) and just get everything off your mind. For me, it's basically not even a day, an amount as limited as an hour would do me good. I remember 060208 of freshman year. That day was my day to relax with my best friend. It was a school day and it was near the end of the school year so we decided to just hang out that day after school to relax and chill with each other. That day will forever be remembered by me. We didn't do anything too special of crazy, but we just basically threw everything bad away for that limited hour or two and had fun. We jumped fences, rolled down hills, took pictures, and basically talked about everything that needed catching up on. It was just so peaceful. I still remember that on that day, the weather was perfect. For me: " A few hours free of stress is like a dose of medicine on a sick day." I love how that day stayed in my mind for the longest time. My friend and I still remember that day pretty darn well and I just decided to blog about that day because today is exactly four months since then. I'm going to change the subject a little bit here. I just wanted to mention that I love having a best friend who will just listen to me no matter what I'm going through. She listens to me on good days, bad days, happy days, and sad days. She puts up with me through everything. How? I really don't know myself. But I just wanted to write this blog to show her that I appreciate having a friend like her so much. She definitely made my high school life a lot better and my days at school a lot more enjoyable. We have so many memories together and yet, there's more to come. She taught me the definition of "fun" and, this might sound cliche, but it's true, Katelyn Schaich, you have definitely changed me for the better. (:

iLOVEyou hun.

<3