smile for me?

Smile for me and make me smile? You hear compliments about your smile all the time but what about your frowns? A frown isn't exactly as attractive as a smile but it's still a facial structure right? I really don't know why but I woke up this morning feeling sad. It's kinda creepy but like it's not like it's something I can control, especially not in the morning. Well, after the weird morning, I went over to my relatives place to eat for Thanksgiving and I'm about to go to another place to have a Thanksgiving dinner. I really try to avoid being in an overcrowded room with relatives because we're just not exactly a "big, warm, happy, loving family" and that really can't be helped either. I don't know. I just really want something to pop out of the blue right now and make me laugh but that wish is one I highly doubt will come true tonight. I'm pretty pessimistic right now and I really hate my moody self. Well, I'm off to my grandparents place now. I don't really have much hope for the "happy night" thing but instead, all I want right now is to go there and come home without any trouble.

Thankful?

thankful:
dictionary definition: expressing gratitude and relief

Well, since today is turkey day and also a day to "express" our thankfulness and gratitude towards others, I'd just like to make a list of things and people who I am thankful for in my life.
- family (parents&&siblings)
- friends (iloveyouguys dearly)
- Van Lang martial arts (my home away from home)
- my house (the fact that I'm actually living in one)
- food (<3)
- technology/inventions (money,computer,laptop,clothes,cellphone,light)
- teachers (TKD&&school)

My list might sound like a typical thanksgiving day list and the items I just listed might sound a bit cliche, but these things really ARE things I'm grateful to, not just today, but every single day of my life.

one after another

I was going to name this blog "things are good again" but just right now, I changed my mind. Just a few minutes ago, I heard another set of bad news. Why is that I can't stay happy for a long time? Why is it that every time I'm happy, another bad news has to reach my ears? Why is it that something stupid always happens? Why do people who don't know me try to butt into my life? Why are there people out there who are on a quest to ruin my life? I don't know and I'm sick of all of this. But I don't know anymore. The only thing that can cheer me up nowadays is the fact that I'm getting away from all of this in just a few days. I don't care if I come back to have many people hating me or whatever. I just can't wait to get away from all the drama that's coming at me one after another.

Rumor Control

I bet that everyone has had at least one nasty rumor spread around about them, whether it's true or not. It's usually about relationships, grades, family matters, friendships, looks, so on and so on. I hate how people just assume they know you and talk behind your back as if you guys are best friends, when in reality, you've never even spoken a single word to each other. Rumors hurt people. THE END. Rumors cause hurt and pain in people's lives because not everything people say are true. Rumors cause tears and feelings of hate and most importantly, rumors break up friendships and bonds. I hate how there are so many nosy people out there these days who speak as if they know what happened or they've seen what happened. But of course, in reality, we know that they either took it from context or "thought" they heard about it. It makes me so frustrated because I know I can't do anything when these rumors come out because I'm not the type of person who will go up to someone and punch them or anything. I try to settle things nonviolently and maturely but I'm not saying there aren't times where I just am SO tempted to walk up to that person and smack some sense into them.

Got Changes?

I definitely need some "change." Seriously, for the last few weeks my blogs have all been so depressing and I realize that I've been whining nonstop about one drama after another and I'm apologizing right now for writing so much of that stuff. I'll try to change from depressing to happy topics now okay? Well, let's see, I'm going to try to think of some happy topics right now. So like on Saturday, I went to the mall and met up with some friends and met some new people who are pretty darn chill. They all went to eat lunch together and I showed up when they were done so I just sat there and chilled with everyone. They were pretty entertaining people, if I must say so myself. And then after that, I met up with one of my friends from TKD, whom I only hang out with once a year, like LITERALLY. It might sound weird or creepy but like, that's what we've been doing for 2 years now. He decided to make it an "annual" thing now but like here's the thing. Last year, after we hung out, he stopped talking to me for 7 whole months leaving me wondering what I did wrong and like we just BARELY just recently started talking again and then decided to chill at the mall just Saturday. I had lots of fun that day but like, for some reason, I feel like I wasted HIS time. I let the fear of not talking for another 7 months [[basically a REPEAT of last year]] get to my head and I didn't let myself be open and happy much. I was zoning out most of the time so I felt like I wasted his time but I have to say, everything we did Saturday was like a DEJA VU of last year and that got me thinking A LOT. I was scared that a repeat might happen again and I don't know if my fear's come true yet or if it's just because I'm overly paranoid but like, we haven't talked every night like we have been BEFORE Saturday. And as the days accumulate, so does my fear. I don't want to spend another 7 months wondering what I did wrong...Oh dear I just realized that this topic suddenly changed to depressing.
Next time, NEXT TIME, fersure, I'll change the tone of my posts.
I promise you guys.

no need to be told twice

Being told something twice is not something I like. It's like: If it hurt me the first time, obviously it's gonna hurt like a ASDFJKL; the second time around. I guess I'll call everything that's been going on in my life "karma"? There really is no other word to describe it. I've been told more than once that I distance myself from friends. I've been told twice that I tend to "replace" friends. I've been told twice that I never sacrifice anything for my friends. I've been told twice that I never try to fix anything. I've been told twice that it's my fault I lose friends. I could make a LIST of all the things that I've been told twice of and let me tell you, I hate that list. Here's the deal: Once I hear something more than once, I'll believe it, no matter what it was. I'll believe it. Call me gullible, call me stupid, call me whatever, but it's the truth. I take it as the truth and no matter what you say to me, if it's said twice, I'll believe it and consider it TRUE. I DO believe that I'm a bad friend. I DO believe that I tend to push people away. But you CANNOT say that I've never sacrificed anything for you and you CANNOT say that I've NEVER tried to fix our problems nor do you have the right to say whether I care or not. I am ME and only I can understand how i feel, no one else can explain things for me.

No change yet

There still aren't many changes in my life. Like, right now, I am anticipating for something really big and drastic [[in a good way]] to impact my life and change it completely, turn it a complete 360. Things aren't exactly how I wish they could be. My friendship with one friend is still screwed up and day after day, it feels like it's getting closer to that point where it's impossible to fix. I don't know right now. It seems like neither of us are trying to rebuild and every time we DO fix it, we end up screwing up the relationship again a few days after that. Other than that, you all already know about my tae kwon do situation. I'm pretty much tired of whining about that subject now so I'll try my best not to mention those 3 words for a while. The only thing I'm actually looking forward to nowadays is...CAMP! [[which is in 19 days]] Camp, to me, as of now, sounds like the closest thing to paradise, even though in reality I'll be out in the cold weather in the middle of the woods.(:
A 5 day/4 night getaway out of this city, away from all this drama, away from reality in general would be so good for me right now. And to add to its already-perfect description, it's absolutely free so my parents don't have to spend a single penny on this getaway for me. I mean, yes, I know this camp counselor thing will mean "responsibility" and to add to that, this trip will be like a test for me to prove to my parents that I CAN take care of myself when I'm alone. To me, it's one step closer to obtaining "trust" from my parents. At my age, I still need to work to gain their trust and if I can manage 5 days/4 nights without them, I feel like it would tell them that I'm growing up and that I'm not that needy child anymore [[or at least NOT as needy as I was when I was younger]].

Drifting way too fast

Ok, so like today is officially the 2nd week that I've stopped doing tae kwon do. One, I already feel like I'm out of shape. I don't work out as much as I did while doing tae kwon do. Two, this is not what I expected. I thought that I would have less drama in my life but less drama at tae kwon do means two times as much drama at school [[which is HORRIBLE by the way]]. And three, the word "drifting" comes back into the picture. I think I mentioned this once before, but if I haven't said it, I'll say it now. I HATE losing friends. I know the word hate is a strong word but I only use it when I actually mean it and YES, I simply hate losing friends. I used to be so up-to-date with all of the parties and get together we have every month at tae kwon do to bond with each other and catch up on each other's lives. Apparently, a few people have been planning a "secret get together" and of course, me, being the girl who's been gone for 11 days, didn't have the right to know about this. I'm not upset over the fact that I didn't know about it as much as I am upset over the fact that my "friends" couldn't tell me about it at all. I don't know if this is because I'm overly paranoid but like, I take this as a first sign of "drifting apart." I can't help but worry if I've done something wrong to cause them NOT to like me or accept me anymore. I've been losing too many friends recently and I've been told that it was because of "me" that my friends are leaving me and it's because they can't "take" being my friends and that scares me because: What is that's the truth?! What if I AM the reason people are leaving me? I don't know anymore. I feel like, within another two week's worth of time, I'll be wiped out completely. I'm completely terrified of that happening. If asking me: "What are you doing at tae kwon do Cindy? You quit, so get out of here." was supposed to reassure me in some way, I don't see it. I know that person said it as a joke, but for some reason, I can't shake the feeling that half of that quote was true. I didn't expect to hear that line, not even as a joke... :[

Wishing upon a star

I bet that most of the you guys who are reading this right now have at least once in your life, wished upon a star, a friendship bracelet, made a wish at 11:11, wished while blowing your birthday candles, etc. You can't say that you've never done at LEAST one of those things I just listed. Well, have any of your wishes ever came true? I never believed in wishes coming true, seriously. Before, I just made wishes just for the fun of it but I just got proven wrong recently. I guess since my wish already came true, it's safe to type it out for everyone to see. A few nights ago, I made a wish to get out of this town. I wanted SO bad to go to camp with my best friend but my parents changed their mind just 3 weeks before the camping date. I was beyond disappointed and that killed my mood all last week. I made wishes on basically everything that was thought of to have any power to grant my wish. Just when I was going to give up hope and call the camp site to tell them I can't make it, my best friend told me not to give up just yet and ask my parents one more time. I went for it. And you know what? My wish came TRUE. My parents thought over their decision and decided that going to camp was going to be a good experience for me. I was speechless so I called up the best friend and together, we screamed on the phone.(:
I'm just so excited for camp right now, like you have NO idea. All I'm saying is that, even though it might seem like your wish is crazy and even if it seems like it might never come true, don't give up hope. I almost gave up hope and I wouldn't have gotten what I wanted unless I had that one last ounce of hope left inside of me. If I had given up completely, I would've never known what my parents would've said and I wouldn't be in the position I am in right now.

(:

sophomore year

Is sophomore year better than freshman year? PSSH, heck no. Wait, let me take that back. In some ways, it has been better than freshman year. I've lost many friends, I'm getting into arguments with one of my best friends everyday, my family problems are increasing, I've been slacking off in everything I do, my group of friends have basically dispersed and now I completely want to disappear myself. That's DEFINITELY better than last year right? UGH. I don't know what to think. My sophomore year has not been so good. It's not exactly as great as I thought it would have been. I was expecting lots and lots of fun this year. And YES, I have had a lot of fun, but at the same time, a lot of drama have piled up on top of me too. Drama is (as my friend puts it) something you can't live with but can't live without either in a way. I've been spending lots of time after school the last few weeks to just relax and talk it out with my best friend and like she's given me so much advice but like I feel as if I'm dragging her down and stopping her from doing so much and having fun. She says she doesn't mind but I do. I want her to have fun and live her life to the fullest but because of me, she's been hearing so much whining and crying coming from me dealing with family/friend drama. I just wish I could turn the time backwards one month. Even ONE month would be good enough because just a month ago, I didn't have all this stuff going on in my life and I didn't get into arguments with my friend every single week of the month. It's always like this: either I get mad at him or he gets mad at me, we can never just go through a single week of school without fighting and arguing anymore. I don't know why it's happening now and I can only describe this in 3 words: I hate it.

rain, rain, please don't go away...

Hearing the raindrops hit the windowsill is like music to my ears. It might seem weird to hear this but I simply love the rainy weather. To be exact, I love the rain. To me, it's so soothing and relaxing. Sometimes, when it rains, and I'm in a bad mood I feel as if the sky is crying for/with me, and that I'm not alone. It might sound a little freaky but it's the truth. There's no other way to describe the incredible feeling I get. And other times, the rain is just so refreshing. Whenever it rains, the thing I love to do the most is just run through the rain until I'm soaking wet. I love the rejuvenated feeing I get when my pulses start racing and I feel the cold moisture hit my face. The rain also helps me think. I love to just sit on my roof in the rain when I need to think. I know it's bad for my health but like it helps clear my mind and think things through more thoroughly.

t-h-a-n-k-y-o-u

Thank you are two words that every single one of my friends have been hearing from me a lot. I want to thank ALL of them for sticking by my side through everything and helping to cheer me up. You guys have been such a big help to me. I appreciate all that you guys have done for me, which includes: making me smile, making me laugh, trying to fix my problems, worrying about me, calling and talking to me on aim nonstop, asking me if I was alright every other five seconds, taking me places, buying me drinks & food, writing me notes, drawing me pictures, thinking of ways to help me go to camp, making lists of "possibilities," [LMAO], constantly thinking of ways to help me get my mind off of things, staying after school to talk to me, etc. You guys have done so much, wait, no, TOO much for me and you guys have NO idea how grateful I am to have you guys in my life. I know you guys must be tired of hearing me repeat this over and over again, but that's just the way I express my thanks. I seriously LOVE you guys!




SHOUT-OUT time(:
I especially want to thank my best friend. You have been there for me through thick and thin, literally, good and bad. You were there to listen to me cry and complain on the phone and you were there for me when I needed a big hug. You stayed with me after school so many times just to talk. You wrote me notes with just the words: iFLY! and you drew me big dinosaur pictures. All of your notes somehow made me smile or laugh one way or another. Just looking at you can make me smile, and you know that. [LOL] I just wanted to say THANK YOU and iloveyoutodeath boo<3