SMILEEE(:

because it's contagious!(:
3 days into break && I'm already loving it. I love this holiday season so much because everyone is just so MERRY and everyone I meet is just full Usually the idea of "wrapping gifts" for people wouldn't appeal to many people as "FUN" but it just was today because of everyone's holiday spirit. My friend and I greeted each person entering the store with a chipper and peppy "GOOD MORNING!" and that brought a smile to most of their faces while they returned our greeting. When someone left, we made sure they left with a smile by wishing them "Happy Holidays" and one time, this lady came up to us and dropped in a pretty nifty amount into our donations can because she said our peppiness "made her day." I don't know why but hearing that made my day as well, knowing that my best friend and I had somewhat brought the holiday cheerfulness to so many people. Some people even tried to beat us to the punch by saying "happy holidays" before we even had a chance to and that was just hilarious because I love it when people go along with us. It made me happy to know that what I was doing was going to help out a library [[all our tips/donations go towards the library]] but what made me happiest was seeing a frown turn into a smile in just a matter of seconds because smiles are contagious.





(:




countdown: 3 days to go

Thrill of the "chase"

Have you ever had that feeling while going after something you want really really really bad?
Or at least something you thought you wanted badly? And then when you get it, you realize
it's not as great as you expected it to be? And that it was just the thrill of the chase that you were feeling
and not the emotions that you thought you felt before? I kinda hate that feeling of the chase. If you can relate then you would know that the thrill of the chase can be mistaken as so many other emotions and it sucks to realize that that "thing" was not what you wanted AFTER you get it. It's like wanting a toy so badly and expecting SO much out of it that when you DO get that toy, you don't want it anymore. You want to throw it away but it's hard to throw away something you wanted so bad in the beginning. You're torn between 2 decisions:

1. Throw that toy away because of your mistaken emotions and feelings
2. Pretend you love that toy and cherish it while you can

To me, it's always A LOT easier to go with option 1 but after I throw that "thing" away, I always feel so guilty for wanting it so badly in the first place. I feel horrible knowing that I have to "drop" it or throw it away so fast because I realized my REAL emotions and feelings for it.

Finals...SAY WHAT?!?

Ohmiigosh This apparently has been the highlight of a lot of blogs this week. But that's totally understandable because there are other people like me out there who worry about finals. Each and every final. Friends tell me to relax and I'll do fine but I can't relax knowing that my semester grades depend on these 6 tests I'm about to take in just a matter of days. A few big mistakes and my grades will drop like crazy. I can't help being an overly paranoid perfectionist. I've been raised to have perfect grades and I hate the feeling I get when I don't reach up to that level that is expected of me. I have so much notes left to take and so much cramming left to do so I might as well get started.



Best of luck to all of you!

Let's get sick!

That must sound like a pretty dumb idea huh? Well, I'm not actually sick before finals, or at least, I hope I'm NOT? After staying out in the cold today for about an hour or so talking to my best friend, the rain started coming down slowly. The two of us decided to ignore it and continue talking, so we did. After a few more minutes, the sky was POURING. [[haha]] It was hilarious. We just went on talking about a serious topic and ignored the rain, even though we were both soaked through our clothes. Today was just a fun, fun, fun day so I didn't even mind the rain one bit. My best friend and I just sat through the downpour until the rain finally stopped and we were standing in front of the school shivering nonstop. To anyone looking from far away, the two of us would look insanely crazy and stupid for sitting out in the rain, running around in the rain, having fun in the rain, but to us, it's a whole different story. We both just love to do weird, crazy, insane things just for the thrill of it and for us, it's just another happy, unforgettable memory.

(:





countdown:
10 days til xmas!

can we say HAPPY?

Okay.
Happy.
Content.
Pleased.
Peaceful.
Thrilled.
Relieved.
Satisfied.
Overjoyed.

Feelings of contentment overfill me right now not just because of one good event that happened today but many small and big events put together. This is probably the most content I've felt in a while now and I want it to stay with me.


(:


the countdown continues:
15 days to go!

vulernability

Vulnerablity: the act of being vulnerable
was the subject that was brought up today in Mr. Miclette's class. He told us not to lie to ourselves and admit whether we put up a game face everyday or not. That discussion popped into my mind so I thought I'd talk about it.


Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry.
Don't show your tears.
Don't be weak.
Don't let things get to you.
Why is everyone arguing nowadays?
Why do tears fall so easily?
Why do parents argue over the tiniest, stupidest little things?
Why do they threaten to seperate everytime they fight?
Why do friends argue?
Why do friends want to walk out of each other's lives?


To me, showing tears means vulnerability. It gives people an easy way to get to you, to hurt you with either their words or their actions. That's why I only keep a certain number of people close to me. Whenever someone gets to close, I get scared. Call me selfish, call me whatever but I have to worry about myself sometimes too. I have friends but I only trust a few. I laugh with eveyrone but only cry in front of one or two.



countdown:
16 days to go

Dear Santa,

What do I want for Christmas this year?
I want a whole new year of complete happiness.
I know that might sound like too much to ask for but that's all I want.
I don't want clothes, shoes, books, no external happiness, but instead, all I want this year is internal happiness.
If it's only for one year, so be it.
I just want a completely drama-less, stress-free, happiness-all-year-round kind of year.
That's all.
If I get more than this, YAY ME.
If not, I don't mind.
I'll be content enough with just this.


(:




the countdown continues:
17 days to go

Counting down

AGAIN!
I know. But this time, it's not for camp and it's not for anything like going out of town or a getaway to the woods or anything like that [[i WISH]], but instead, until the craziest holiday of the year come around, CHRISTMAS! I can't WAIT for Christmas and I don't really know why. It's just I like to be all excited and festive along with everyone else when the holiday comes around. I'm not Christian nor am I any other religion but like, it's just FUN to celebrate with everyone and give/receive gifts once a year. I really do believe that Christmas brings out the good in people. To me, it doesn't matter how big or expensive the gift is, it's just the thought or the time that the person put into the gift that counts. Well, the countdown BEGINS!


18 days to go
woot!woot!
(:

chocolate milk anyone?

DON'T think this is just a simple blog about a drink.
Chocolate milk to everyone might seem like just simply a hot drink to drink in the morning
but to me and everyone who went to camp, it's a
memory.
a memory that we won't
EVER ever ever ever
FORGET.
It reminds us of all the
mornings
breaks
lunches
afternoons
dinners
at the one&&only
CAMP CAMPBELL!
It reminds us of
the taste of nature and
the week we spent at camp
along with the kids and trees
around us.
It reminds us of all the good times we had
and how the hot chocolate kept us
warm during the chilly chilly mornings
in early December 2008.
It will forever represent something more than just a simple
drink.

tan oak tan oak... oooh bby let your zylem flow

5 days. 4 nights. 12 students. 16 cabin leaders. Put those all together and what do you get? A BAJILLION+ memories! The last week at camp has definitely deserved to be named the "highlight of my year". Everything was amazing, everything was special. I miss everything about that camp, including the things I never thought I'd miss.
I miss:
- the cabin leaders [[raindrop, jaguar paw, le tigre, bolt, rainbow bright, falling star, mushroom, rattlesnake, shark, pretty princess, cheetah girl, wolfman, wild abu, wild turkey, rivers]]
- the kiddies [[my san jose sharks]]
- the hot chocolate [[even though I didn't like it very much at first]]
= the redwood trees
- the smell of fresh air
- the chilly chilly mornings
- the cabin [[NUMBER 10]]
- the variety of meals [[yum yum]]
= the crazy hiking
- the cold and then suddenly hot showers
- the random kids who come up and say hi to me
- the dinner table I share with the kids
- the evening activity [[camp campbell dance!]]
- the fact that everyone called me "snowflake"
- the fact that kids were making up rumors about me and some guys
- the fact that we're not there for RELATIONSHIPS [[haha]]
- the fact that some boys called themselves my "husbands" [[LOLOLOL]]
- the fact that everyone was trying to guess my name [[i was called tess, tessa, jessica, yellow snowflake, pink snowflake, etc.]]
- the jokes
- the skits
- the campfire
- the songs
- the laughs
- the MEMORIES that piled up in just 5 days!

basically, I miss EVERYTHING about Camp Campbell and I would totally come back if I have the chance [[SPRING BREAK right guys?]]

smile for me?

Smile for me and make me smile? You hear compliments about your smile all the time but what about your frowns? A frown isn't exactly as attractive as a smile but it's still a facial structure right? I really don't know why but I woke up this morning feeling sad. It's kinda creepy but like it's not like it's something I can control, especially not in the morning. Well, after the weird morning, I went over to my relatives place to eat for Thanksgiving and I'm about to go to another place to have a Thanksgiving dinner. I really try to avoid being in an overcrowded room with relatives because we're just not exactly a "big, warm, happy, loving family" and that really can't be helped either. I don't know. I just really want something to pop out of the blue right now and make me laugh but that wish is one I highly doubt will come true tonight. I'm pretty pessimistic right now and I really hate my moody self. Well, I'm off to my grandparents place now. I don't really have much hope for the "happy night" thing but instead, all I want right now is to go there and come home without any trouble.

Thankful?

thankful:
dictionary definition: expressing gratitude and relief

Well, since today is turkey day and also a day to "express" our thankfulness and gratitude towards others, I'd just like to make a list of things and people who I am thankful for in my life.
- family (parents&&siblings)
- friends (iloveyouguys dearly)
- Van Lang martial arts (my home away from home)
- my house (the fact that I'm actually living in one)
- food (<3)
- technology/inventions (money,computer,laptop,clothes,cellphone,light)
- teachers (TKD&&school)

My list might sound like a typical thanksgiving day list and the items I just listed might sound a bit cliche, but these things really ARE things I'm grateful to, not just today, but every single day of my life.

one after another

I was going to name this blog "things are good again" but just right now, I changed my mind. Just a few minutes ago, I heard another set of bad news. Why is that I can't stay happy for a long time? Why is it that every time I'm happy, another bad news has to reach my ears? Why is it that something stupid always happens? Why do people who don't know me try to butt into my life? Why are there people out there who are on a quest to ruin my life? I don't know and I'm sick of all of this. But I don't know anymore. The only thing that can cheer me up nowadays is the fact that I'm getting away from all of this in just a few days. I don't care if I come back to have many people hating me or whatever. I just can't wait to get away from all the drama that's coming at me one after another.

Rumor Control

I bet that everyone has had at least one nasty rumor spread around about them, whether it's true or not. It's usually about relationships, grades, family matters, friendships, looks, so on and so on. I hate how people just assume they know you and talk behind your back as if you guys are best friends, when in reality, you've never even spoken a single word to each other. Rumors hurt people. THE END. Rumors cause hurt and pain in people's lives because not everything people say are true. Rumors cause tears and feelings of hate and most importantly, rumors break up friendships and bonds. I hate how there are so many nosy people out there these days who speak as if they know what happened or they've seen what happened. But of course, in reality, we know that they either took it from context or "thought" they heard about it. It makes me so frustrated because I know I can't do anything when these rumors come out because I'm not the type of person who will go up to someone and punch them or anything. I try to settle things nonviolently and maturely but I'm not saying there aren't times where I just am SO tempted to walk up to that person and smack some sense into them.

Got Changes?

I definitely need some "change." Seriously, for the last few weeks my blogs have all been so depressing and I realize that I've been whining nonstop about one drama after another and I'm apologizing right now for writing so much of that stuff. I'll try to change from depressing to happy topics now okay? Well, let's see, I'm going to try to think of some happy topics right now. So like on Saturday, I went to the mall and met up with some friends and met some new people who are pretty darn chill. They all went to eat lunch together and I showed up when they were done so I just sat there and chilled with everyone. They were pretty entertaining people, if I must say so myself. And then after that, I met up with one of my friends from TKD, whom I only hang out with once a year, like LITERALLY. It might sound weird or creepy but like, that's what we've been doing for 2 years now. He decided to make it an "annual" thing now but like here's the thing. Last year, after we hung out, he stopped talking to me for 7 whole months leaving me wondering what I did wrong and like we just BARELY just recently started talking again and then decided to chill at the mall just Saturday. I had lots of fun that day but like, for some reason, I feel like I wasted HIS time. I let the fear of not talking for another 7 months [[basically a REPEAT of last year]] get to my head and I didn't let myself be open and happy much. I was zoning out most of the time so I felt like I wasted his time but I have to say, everything we did Saturday was like a DEJA VU of last year and that got me thinking A LOT. I was scared that a repeat might happen again and I don't know if my fear's come true yet or if it's just because I'm overly paranoid but like, we haven't talked every night like we have been BEFORE Saturday. And as the days accumulate, so does my fear. I don't want to spend another 7 months wondering what I did wrong...Oh dear I just realized that this topic suddenly changed to depressing.
Next time, NEXT TIME, fersure, I'll change the tone of my posts.
I promise you guys.

no need to be told twice

Being told something twice is not something I like. It's like: If it hurt me the first time, obviously it's gonna hurt like a ASDFJKL; the second time around. I guess I'll call everything that's been going on in my life "karma"? There really is no other word to describe it. I've been told more than once that I distance myself from friends. I've been told twice that I tend to "replace" friends. I've been told twice that I never sacrifice anything for my friends. I've been told twice that I never try to fix anything. I've been told twice that it's my fault I lose friends. I could make a LIST of all the things that I've been told twice of and let me tell you, I hate that list. Here's the deal: Once I hear something more than once, I'll believe it, no matter what it was. I'll believe it. Call me gullible, call me stupid, call me whatever, but it's the truth. I take it as the truth and no matter what you say to me, if it's said twice, I'll believe it and consider it TRUE. I DO believe that I'm a bad friend. I DO believe that I tend to push people away. But you CANNOT say that I've never sacrificed anything for you and you CANNOT say that I've NEVER tried to fix our problems nor do you have the right to say whether I care or not. I am ME and only I can understand how i feel, no one else can explain things for me.

No change yet

There still aren't many changes in my life. Like, right now, I am anticipating for something really big and drastic [[in a good way]] to impact my life and change it completely, turn it a complete 360. Things aren't exactly how I wish they could be. My friendship with one friend is still screwed up and day after day, it feels like it's getting closer to that point where it's impossible to fix. I don't know right now. It seems like neither of us are trying to rebuild and every time we DO fix it, we end up screwing up the relationship again a few days after that. Other than that, you all already know about my tae kwon do situation. I'm pretty much tired of whining about that subject now so I'll try my best not to mention those 3 words for a while. The only thing I'm actually looking forward to nowadays is...CAMP! [[which is in 19 days]] Camp, to me, as of now, sounds like the closest thing to paradise, even though in reality I'll be out in the cold weather in the middle of the woods.(:
A 5 day/4 night getaway out of this city, away from all this drama, away from reality in general would be so good for me right now. And to add to its already-perfect description, it's absolutely free so my parents don't have to spend a single penny on this getaway for me. I mean, yes, I know this camp counselor thing will mean "responsibility" and to add to that, this trip will be like a test for me to prove to my parents that I CAN take care of myself when I'm alone. To me, it's one step closer to obtaining "trust" from my parents. At my age, I still need to work to gain their trust and if I can manage 5 days/4 nights without them, I feel like it would tell them that I'm growing up and that I'm not that needy child anymore [[or at least NOT as needy as I was when I was younger]].

Drifting way too fast

Ok, so like today is officially the 2nd week that I've stopped doing tae kwon do. One, I already feel like I'm out of shape. I don't work out as much as I did while doing tae kwon do. Two, this is not what I expected. I thought that I would have less drama in my life but less drama at tae kwon do means two times as much drama at school [[which is HORRIBLE by the way]]. And three, the word "drifting" comes back into the picture. I think I mentioned this once before, but if I haven't said it, I'll say it now. I HATE losing friends. I know the word hate is a strong word but I only use it when I actually mean it and YES, I simply hate losing friends. I used to be so up-to-date with all of the parties and get together we have every month at tae kwon do to bond with each other and catch up on each other's lives. Apparently, a few people have been planning a "secret get together" and of course, me, being the girl who's been gone for 11 days, didn't have the right to know about this. I'm not upset over the fact that I didn't know about it as much as I am upset over the fact that my "friends" couldn't tell me about it at all. I don't know if this is because I'm overly paranoid but like, I take this as a first sign of "drifting apart." I can't help but worry if I've done something wrong to cause them NOT to like me or accept me anymore. I've been losing too many friends recently and I've been told that it was because of "me" that my friends are leaving me and it's because they can't "take" being my friends and that scares me because: What is that's the truth?! What if I AM the reason people are leaving me? I don't know anymore. I feel like, within another two week's worth of time, I'll be wiped out completely. I'm completely terrified of that happening. If asking me: "What are you doing at tae kwon do Cindy? You quit, so get out of here." was supposed to reassure me in some way, I don't see it. I know that person said it as a joke, but for some reason, I can't shake the feeling that half of that quote was true. I didn't expect to hear that line, not even as a joke... :[

Wishing upon a star

I bet that most of the you guys who are reading this right now have at least once in your life, wished upon a star, a friendship bracelet, made a wish at 11:11, wished while blowing your birthday candles, etc. You can't say that you've never done at LEAST one of those things I just listed. Well, have any of your wishes ever came true? I never believed in wishes coming true, seriously. Before, I just made wishes just for the fun of it but I just got proven wrong recently. I guess since my wish already came true, it's safe to type it out for everyone to see. A few nights ago, I made a wish to get out of this town. I wanted SO bad to go to camp with my best friend but my parents changed their mind just 3 weeks before the camping date. I was beyond disappointed and that killed my mood all last week. I made wishes on basically everything that was thought of to have any power to grant my wish. Just when I was going to give up hope and call the camp site to tell them I can't make it, my best friend told me not to give up just yet and ask my parents one more time. I went for it. And you know what? My wish came TRUE. My parents thought over their decision and decided that going to camp was going to be a good experience for me. I was speechless so I called up the best friend and together, we screamed on the phone.(:
I'm just so excited for camp right now, like you have NO idea. All I'm saying is that, even though it might seem like your wish is crazy and even if it seems like it might never come true, don't give up hope. I almost gave up hope and I wouldn't have gotten what I wanted unless I had that one last ounce of hope left inside of me. If I had given up completely, I would've never known what my parents would've said and I wouldn't be in the position I am in right now.

(:

sophomore year

Is sophomore year better than freshman year? PSSH, heck no. Wait, let me take that back. In some ways, it has been better than freshman year. I've lost many friends, I'm getting into arguments with one of my best friends everyday, my family problems are increasing, I've been slacking off in everything I do, my group of friends have basically dispersed and now I completely want to disappear myself. That's DEFINITELY better than last year right? UGH. I don't know what to think. My sophomore year has not been so good. It's not exactly as great as I thought it would have been. I was expecting lots and lots of fun this year. And YES, I have had a lot of fun, but at the same time, a lot of drama have piled up on top of me too. Drama is (as my friend puts it) something you can't live with but can't live without either in a way. I've been spending lots of time after school the last few weeks to just relax and talk it out with my best friend and like she's given me so much advice but like I feel as if I'm dragging her down and stopping her from doing so much and having fun. She says she doesn't mind but I do. I want her to have fun and live her life to the fullest but because of me, she's been hearing so much whining and crying coming from me dealing with family/friend drama. I just wish I could turn the time backwards one month. Even ONE month would be good enough because just a month ago, I didn't have all this stuff going on in my life and I didn't get into arguments with my friend every single week of the month. It's always like this: either I get mad at him or he gets mad at me, we can never just go through a single week of school without fighting and arguing anymore. I don't know why it's happening now and I can only describe this in 3 words: I hate it.

rain, rain, please don't go away...

Hearing the raindrops hit the windowsill is like music to my ears. It might seem weird to hear this but I simply love the rainy weather. To be exact, I love the rain. To me, it's so soothing and relaxing. Sometimes, when it rains, and I'm in a bad mood I feel as if the sky is crying for/with me, and that I'm not alone. It might sound a little freaky but it's the truth. There's no other way to describe the incredible feeling I get. And other times, the rain is just so refreshing. Whenever it rains, the thing I love to do the most is just run through the rain until I'm soaking wet. I love the rejuvenated feeing I get when my pulses start racing and I feel the cold moisture hit my face. The rain also helps me think. I love to just sit on my roof in the rain when I need to think. I know it's bad for my health but like it helps clear my mind and think things through more thoroughly.

t-h-a-n-k-y-o-u

Thank you are two words that every single one of my friends have been hearing from me a lot. I want to thank ALL of them for sticking by my side through everything and helping to cheer me up. You guys have been such a big help to me. I appreciate all that you guys have done for me, which includes: making me smile, making me laugh, trying to fix my problems, worrying about me, calling and talking to me on aim nonstop, asking me if I was alright every other five seconds, taking me places, buying me drinks & food, writing me notes, drawing me pictures, thinking of ways to help me go to camp, making lists of "possibilities," [LMAO], constantly thinking of ways to help me get my mind off of things, staying after school to talk to me, etc. You guys have done so much, wait, no, TOO much for me and you guys have NO idea how grateful I am to have you guys in my life. I know you guys must be tired of hearing me repeat this over and over again, but that's just the way I express my thanks. I seriously LOVE you guys!




SHOUT-OUT time(:
I especially want to thank my best friend. You have been there for me through thick and thin, literally, good and bad. You were there to listen to me cry and complain on the phone and you were there for me when I needed a big hug. You stayed with me after school so many times just to talk. You wrote me notes with just the words: iFLY! and you drew me big dinosaur pictures. All of your notes somehow made me smile or laugh one way or another. Just looking at you can make me smile, and you know that. [LOL] I just wanted to say THANK YOU and iloveyoutodeath boo<3

Once again...I'm indecisive

Just like the title of my blog states, ONCE AGAIN I'M INDECISIVE. Today at TKD, I almost decided to stay and not take a month off. GASP right? :x I thought I had made up my mind to quit TKD for one whole month but like, I don't know. Today was just different . Nothing made me mad today, nobody said anything dumb to me to piss me off and just today, I felt like I accomplished something, like I was actually TRYING at TKD, for once. I don't know if it was just because there were only a FEW kids there today or just that today was my good day. I guess I'll never know but whatever, training at TKD today made me feel good about myself and that's like..RARE. I almost decided against my OWN decision to take a month off but like in the end, I told myself that I needed a break. Just one good day at TKD isn't going to mean the passion for it is going to be there everyday. and neither is it going to make me change my mind, so I'm sticking with my primary decision and I'm going to take a month off.

Halloween '08

Ok, so like today was just..AWESOME! That probably would be the best word to use to describe it. Two days ago, out of nowhere, my friends came up with an idea for a costume that we can all participate in and dress up as: Pacman and ghosts. LOL I thought that the idea was pretty NEAT because one, it was cute and two, it was original, which was PERFECT bceause I never really liked Halloween because of all the scary costumes and black cats and scarecrows, etc. Yes, I'm afraid of scarecrows. Go ahead and laugh.(: But yeah, back to the subject, I basically NEVER dress up anymore so I thought I could go for a change this year. Katelyn bought the t-shirts for us [[thank you hun<3]]. Hand drawing circles and round figures are SO NOT easy, trust me. But, whatever. In the end, it was all so worth it.(: I think I have the right to say this: WE LOOKED PRETTY SICK TODAY @ SCHOOL! However, the whole day went by pretty slow. I don't know if it's just me or if the time seemed to feel longer in all of the periods today. So many good things happneed today but I guess it's time I mention the not-so-good things now:
1. I had WAY too much candy, BIG mistake. [[too much candy = stomacheache]]
2. Mrs. Miller freaked me out BIG TIME today. She was dressed up as a clown..and I have this BIG fear of clowns.
3. We watched this scary movie in Spanish class today and I can't stop thinking about the scary parts. [[Me and Amy were holding each others hands the whole entire time, so every time a scary part showed up, we'd squeeze the other person's hands so hard, any harder and our blood circulation would've stopped LOL]] That movie scared me to the point where I can't be alone anywhere and everywhere I go. Other than that, today was fun. For once, I actually looked FORWARD to Halloween this year and just the fact that my friends dressed up WITH me and that we were all matching, totally made my day, month, wait, no, YEAR!(:












I might be a LITTLE bit late to say this but: Happy Halloween everyone(:

Temporary Happiness? or More?

Ever since Saturday, I've felt this sudden feeling of overwhelming giddiness burst inside of me. Suddenly, everything seems so happy and bright to me again. I feel so light and just...overly sprung about everything. I don't know if this is good or bad for me because, just last week, I was a wreck. I was depressed and just overwhelmed everyday about everything going on in my life but nowadays, the only thing you'll see on my face is a smile. I'm continuously smiling and laughing around everyone and you won't see me frown or cry at school. Over the weekend, I've made so many new friends who make me laugh nonstop and we've made so many new memories that I will never forget. I never knew that clubs at school could build so many new friendships and bonds between kids who probably would've never talked with each other out of nowhere. I'm just glad that there are such things AS clubs out there to help build strong and hopefully, everlasting relationships among students in high schools.

Needing some space...

My passion and love for Tae Kwon Do (aka TKD) is definitely still there, yes, but it's not as strong as it was before, like when I first joined. Whoever plays a sport or has a hobby that they really enjoy doing might understand what I'm trying to say. Usually, on my way to TKD, I would get this nervous/excited/anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach for some weird reason. It might not sound all great to you  but it was definitely a good thing for me. It made me realize I was just really excited to go there and see everyone and train again. But to tell you the truth, that feeling has been slowly disappearing more and more by the day. That fact scares me so much. I'm not only taking a break from TKD because of all the stress, but I'm also trying to give some distance between me and that sport that I love to seee if that feeling might come back once I return to TKD in December. I want that nervous feeling in my stomach. I want to feel anxious about going there again, not knowing what to expect. But, unfortunately, these past few weeks, those feelings have been replaced by feelings of fear, annoyance, apathy, and vulnerability. In a way, this is kind of like a relationship. After spending fur days a week with this person doing the same repetitive things, having the same repetitive conversations, every day, every week, every month, eventually you would grow tired of it. It's only natural right? Well, in most relationships, this is the point where couples decide to take a "break" to decide whether they prefer being apart of being together, so I've decided to try that out too. I've decided to take a break from training because I need some breathing room and I don't want my passion and love for this sport to disappear completely. I want to regain that feeling of excitement again. 

Taking a Break

My last few weeks have been like a roller coaster  of emotions. Everyday, no wait, every hour, my emotions change. One minute, I was happy. A few minutes later, I was sad. After a few hours, I was either feeling disappointed, jealous,  distressed, scared, embarrassed, greedy, selfish, disgusted, angry, optimistic, remorseful, regretful, etc. Name a feeling, and I'll tell you: "I've felt that way within the last few weeks." Like, seriously. So much had happened in such a small amount of time and I can't handle going through various emotions like that in 2 weeks. In addition to that, I barely got any sleep every night because I was either doing loads of homework or thinking, and that kind of tied to my mood during school. The lack of sleep made me grouchy and easily annoyed at everything. A lot of people saw this change in me, and that meant my parents included. I asked them to quit tae kwon do for a month for some chill time to kick back and relax a little bit and they actually agreed that it would do beneficial for me. I was really surprised because I was sort of expecting to hear a "NO" from them. I just really hope that the next few weeks will be stress-free and advantageous for me.

"We keep quiet 'cause we're dead if they knew"

HAHA, I bet you're all thinking what's up with the title or what's up with this girl Cindy's obsession with blogs about love? But here's the thing, it's a line from my song on my page (Love Story by Taylor Swift). The song was based on the story Romeo and Juliet, so I decided to base my blog on that. The main topic is: "Do teen love stories always end with a happy ending?"

Like seriously, I'm wondering if every relationship will end happily ever after just like all those fairy tales we love to read, or will it end tragic, like for example, Romeo and Juliet. All of us probably still have that hope about finding our "perfect someone" out there somewhere and yes, as teenagers, we still have many years ahead of us to search for that perfect person, but what I'm wondering is: After you find that perfect person who "completes" you, will the two of you end up with an enviable and strong relationship that will last up until death or longer, or will it just be an immature relationship that resembles a dream that ends before it even happens? Once again, there's no right answer to that question. It's life, and life isn't always going to give you answers that will lead you down the right path or to help make things any easier for you.

My best friend helped me come up with this blog so just a random shout out: Thank You Kati!<3

Lost Love

I found this poem from my poetry portfolio last year and it just fit what I’m going through so well right now that I simply HAVE to post it up. I won’t post up the whole poem because it is way too long so I’ve decided to just post up the crucial parts of it, the parts that have a profound effect on my life that I could relate to.

“Lost within thought, that love has perished and can never be regained,
Fighting against fate for that emotion that I wish to attain,
That emotion that I had within reach is becoming more and more distant as time goes by,
Sitting on a cloud of hope, I peacefully sigh.”

Those were the first lines of my poem that I thought were important and couldn’t resist posting up. The last few lines were near the end of the poem.

“All I ever want is that lost love,
Wishing for it to fall right from above,
Wanting you to walk right out of my dreams
Let’s take a stroll along an infinite stream.”

I think these are the exact lines that I could relate to in life right now. Like I said in my previous blog, there are some feelings that I am trying to regain after losing it. If only I could take a stroll like in my poem and forget about everything in life. I won’t say anymore than those so please don’t ask. I just felt like it would help me to open up about my life right now and I guess it did help. I feel like everything in my life is so complicated right now. Suddenly, out of the blue, everything started piling down on me and I don’t know how to react to those events.

Human Nature

Why do people always want things they can’t have? For example, not all of us can have that friendship, love, affection, acceptance, respect, etc. we yearn for. Why is it that as humans, we also have this crazy trait? All of you have to admit it; there has been something in your life that you have wanted to have so badly, even when you know it can’t be yours. I am going through that right now. I wish for affection that I had let go of in the past. Unfortunately, I realized how much it meant to me and how badly I want to attain it again just recently, which is too late. Seriously, I think it’s a bad trait to have as humans. Why do we do that? If we didn’t desire these feelings, these things we call necessary in our life, we wouldn’t have to go through drama. The world would have one less thing to worry about. But then again, I have to contradict with myself, I guess, we can’t help it. We don’t realize how important someone or something is to us until we’ve lost it. I regret the choices I have made so much and I know a lot of people around me are going through the same thing too so I just wanted to let these feelings out and tell them that they’re not alone.

Indecisiveness

Is the worst trait to have sometimes. I mean, I know what I want but at the same time I'm not sure? Is that a normal trait to have? Because from what I see, indecisiveness can lead to so many things: people suffering, hurt, or just confused. I can simply summarize it in 3 words: I hate it. But then again, in a way, I am afraid of it. Like for me, when I am faced with two decisions and I don't know which one to choose, I get this weird voice in my head telling me to just let them both go. I can't choose one only because, I guess, in a way, I am a greedy person. I don't want just one of those choices, I want both. If I end up choosing just one, I will regret the decision later on in life and start asking myself the "what if" question. That's when I go into this phase where I just close off the world and basically close a wall around me just to avoid making anymore mistakes in my life. But as humans, I guess it's normal to make many mistakes because no one is perfect. I guess, all I want during those times, is a guardian angel, a hint, a sign, anything that could help tell me what to do and which choices to make. Sadly, that doesn't happen. Life forces you to make your own decisions, face your own consquences, deal with those consequences, and learn from the experience. "Fortunately for me, I have friends who will support me all the way, whenver, wherever, through whatever."

dont you just hate it

When parents don't respect your privacy? I don't know if many people share this problem, but in my family, my parents are way OVERLY overprotective. Like, you have no idea. I'll be online doing my homework and my dad will be right behind me watching my every move. It gets so bad that we get into arguments about this stuff all the time. My parents don't believe me when I'm online doing my homework at 11 p.m. at night. Obviously I'll be staying up late because I have tae kwon do 4 days a week usually from 6 p.m.- 7:30 p.m. I usually get home around 8 p.m. each night and I'm taking accelerated classes this year so obviously I'd stay up later than I did freshman year. During my freshman year, I barely had any homework and my parents kind of assumed that I'd have that same amount of homework the second year around. It gets so out-of-control sometimes and my parents and I get into so many arguments nowadays, since the day I turned thirteen to be exact. They always assume that since I entered my teen years that I'd be some wild crazy child that doesn't care about school. If you knew me today, you would know that I am the FURTHEST thing from that. To sum it all up, I guess what I'm trying to say is,  I wish that they would just put a little bit of trust into me and believe me once in a while. 

a family heirloom?

Yeah, in my family, there really is no single family heirloom. We pass everything and anything onto the next generation from clothing to jewelry. There's not exactly one thing that gets passed down. I guess, another way to see it is, anything and everything is special in our family. I'm guessing it's because anything important to my grandparents is still in their home country, lost or sold. My grandparents on my mom's side had to leave Vietnam many years ago to come to the United States, and when they left, they had a limited number of suitcases in which they could use to carry their stuff  so they only brought clothing and necessities that they will use in their new country. I wish they could have brought some things from their childhood but that never happened so there aren't any items from generations ago. But then again, I guess family heirlooms can start anytime right? If my grandma or my mother were to start something right now and pass it down to me, and I pass it on to my kids and so on, then that means the heirloom would start in this generation. Now that I think about it, that would be pretty cool actually. Maybe I should tell my mom about this soon.(:

Prince Charming

Does he really exist out there somewhere? Like, as kids, we read all kinds of fairy tales such as Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, the Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast, etc. Now what do all those stories have in common? Well, for one, they all have happy endings. It gives us young girls hope that one day, we will find our prince charming and run away and live a happy life together. But seriously, will that really happen with ALL of us? Like happy endings almost seem overrated sometimes.  I'm not trying to say I don't believe in true love, but all I want to know is "How do you know when you've found the right one?" Yes, I'm too young to think this far ahead into the future, but day by day, I see friends find someone who make them happy and wonder if that will happen to me one day. I just have too many questions in life that go unanswered and I get confused and when I'm confused, I let the tiniest things bother me.  I don't know. I guess I should just appreciate all that I have now and just worry about keeping friendship bonds instead of this. If it happens, it happens right?(:

a day to remember

Every once in a while, I think everyone needs a day off. Since the stress starts building up more and more everyday, it's healthy to just relax for a day with a friend(s) and just get everything off your mind. For me, it's basically not even a day, an amount as limited as an hour would do me good. I remember 060208 of freshman year. That day was my day to relax with my best friend. It was a school day and it was near the end of the school year so we decided to just hang out that day after school to relax and chill with each other. That day will forever be remembered by me. We didn't do anything too special of crazy, but we just basically threw everything bad away for that limited hour or two and had fun. We jumped fences, rolled down hills, took pictures, and basically talked about everything that needed catching up on. It was just so peaceful. I still remember that on that day, the weather was perfect. For me: " A few hours free of stress is like a dose of medicine on a sick day." I love how that day stayed in my mind for the longest time. My friend and I still remember that day pretty darn well and I just decided to blog about that day because today is exactly four months since then. I'm going to change the subject a little bit here. I just wanted to mention that I love having a best friend who will just listen to me no matter what I'm going through. She listens to me on good days, bad days, happy days, and sad days. She puts up with me through everything. How? I really don't know myself. But I just wanted to write this blog to show her that I appreciate having a friend like her so much. She definitely made my high school life a lot better and my days at school a lot more enjoyable. We have so many memories together and yet, there's more to come. She taught me the definition of "fun" and, this might sound cliche, but it's true, Katelyn Schaich, you have definitely changed me for the better. (:

iLOVEyou hun.

<3

keeping up appearances

For my entire life, the only thing I've worried about is keeping up appearances and living up to my relatives' expectations. For 15 years, I feel as if I've been the furthest person from the real "Cindy." It's not like I feel fake or anything but like, I feel that it so overrated to always look and act perfect. Perfection doesn't exist and everyone knows that. There might be things that may seem close to perfect, but it's still not perfect perfect.  I didn't bring this "perfect" topic up for nothing of course, I was talking about my life the last 15 years. I've been expected to keep the grades with nothing less than a 4.0. I was expected to be the perfect height (which I am not, according to my relatives), have the perfect face, the perfect hair, etc.? What more can I say? There was too much to keep up, I couldn't handle it. Sometimes, when I get the report card back with the perfect grades on it, I ask myself: 

"Who am I doing this for? Myself or all these people watching me 24/7? Why am I trying so hard to be perfect for these people? What would happen if I decided to make my own decisions and learn from my own mistakes? Would I still do this well if I wasn't judged by my relatives every single time I try something new?"

I don't know what I would do if I had the freedom and the liberty from judgement. I feel like I was modeled and taught to do all of this and that if I were to ever change, I would fail. It makes me scared to think of the possible outcomes, but then I realize that I'm strong and that I could do things without being told so. I could make my own decisions. If I make the wrong decision, I'll take the consequence(s) and learn from my past mistakes. One day, I will no longer have to pretend to be someone I am not. I will not have to worry about what others think of me and what they expect of me. For now, I'll just have to keep  playing that act but one day, I will be ME. I just hope that, that day will be soon. 

the future

There has been so much homework nowadays. I knew to expect more homework from the accelerated and honors classes this year but I didn't expect this much homework. It's not exactly the number of pages or the number of problems that is making me stress so much but instead it's the material we are learning that is new to me. Unfortunately, my chemistry teacher isn't exactly the best at describing things in detail and answering questions. In my opinion, the class is moving at a really quick pace, in a way, too fast for me. I can barely understand what she is teaching us right now. She moves onto new topics almost every day. Right when I barely start to catch on, we move onto the next chapter so I never get a chance to interpret everything correctly. It worries me. I'm always thinking to myself: "If you can't handle homework this year, your sophomore year in high school, how are you going to handle college?" I can't help but stress over that question. Every single time I'm about to give up, 

I ask myself this question and  it somehow gets me back on track. This question gives me the urge and motivation to keep going and try my best in everything I do.

Antigone

Since I was absent on the day that everyone was assigned to write the quote explaining the character in Antigone, I'm going to do it today, even though I'm 4 days late. 

The quote I would use to portray Antigone is the following quote that she says to her sister:

"My death will be sweet once I bury him, because I will be lying next to him the underworld, having committed such a sacred crime."

I think that this quote shows Antigone's devotion and love for her brother. She doesn't care about paying the toll of possibly her own death to simply be able to bury her dead brother who she believes deserves a proper burial just like her other brother. Her selfless act shows me that she is just a loving younger sister who just wants her brother to rest in peace.  

teenagers

Why is it that teenagers nowadays (when I say teenagers, I also include myself in this) go through so much drama that affect them in the worst ways possible and force them to grow up so fast? I really don't understand why we all have to go through that "non-stop drama" phase when we can just be carefree and not have to worry about anything except for the simple basic things and needs in life. You can ask every teenager at our school and a majority of them will say that they've been through arguments with friends or arguments with parents, over the tiniest things. If we were to ask our parents about their teenage years, they would have made a list of fun eventful memories from their time and their list of dramas would not even be close in comparison to what we all have now. Our list of memories could be just as long as our list of troubles or of  things that bother us. Like right now, I am letting so much get to me. I'm letting basically everything bother me in one way or another. Like for me, when there is so much stress involved,  I get confused at so many things,  and when I am confused and I end up making way too many mistakes, some I regret later on because they are not fixable. My attitude goes a little crazy and I'm always scared I'll take my anger out on the wrong person, someone who doesn't know what's going on in my life, who doesn't deserve to be yelled at. Either that or I'll cry over everything. Seriously, when stress gets to me, I'm basically an emotional wreck. 

to turn back time

What I would give right now if I could only turn back time...along with what happened at school today, a lot of other stuff popped up between me and my friends too. I had this really close friend and he was just always there for me through everything as I tried to be there for him through whatever he was going through. We both basically had each other's backs and we'd always know who to turn to for support at all times. But tonight, something bad happened between us and it risked our friendship in the worst way possible. I can't stand losing friends and it just hurts me to let them go. I wish I could turn back time so badly sometimes and change things so that they wouldn't be the way they are now. But as everyone knows, that's impossible. He says that he's different and that we'll stay friends no matter what but I'm scared. I wish I could believe it but this has happened so many times already between me and friends that it's hard to just trust that line. I'm scared I made the wrong choice and did what I did, but I guess I have to trust my gut instinct and face whatever consequences that will come my way. I just hope that our friendship is stronger than that because we've been through stuff with each other before. It's just nothing this serious has ever happened and I'm just scared that our bond won't be the same as before even if we learn to move on and try to forgive and forget. I felt as if I was losing him slowly by the minute while talking to him tonight and I am terrified of that feeling: the feeling of being left behind and forgotten. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I just want my best friend back. 

freedom of speech

Okay, so like today is barely the...what? Fourth week of school? And so much has already happened at Gunderson. Just last week, that whole incident in Mr. Miclette's first period became the main "thing" around the school and almost everyone heard about it. But today, in chemistry, things got pretty heated. If the teacher can accuse one student of "bad" behavior and blaming that student for disrupting the class to the point where the student had to be taken to the front office, why couldn't she just send the whole class with the student? The whole class ended up arguing with the teacher anyways but she didn't send anyone else to the front office. It seems more like discrimination to me. I just hate how both of these events that happened within the 2 week period just revolves around discrimination of some sort. I just wish that discrimination could be made illegal all around the world. I just don't understand why humans would hate on each other and make such a big deal out of something like that. I thought that as American citizens, we had the freedom of speech, the right to say whatever we believed without be punished for it. Sadly, that freedom is pretty limited in some particular classes at our school. 

a home away from home

Right now, I am so glad to have friends at tae kwon do. If not for them, I probably wouldn't be the "me" everyone knows me as now. My day basically involved two schools: Gunderson and Van Lang Martial Arts (VLMA). Like I mentioned in my previous blog, today was my tae kwon do testing. In my opinion, I think I did pretty decent, at least enough to pass the test and advance to the next level. Who knows? I could be wrong, but whatever, I'll find out on Sunday. Something happened before tae kwon do today, at home, so I was really distracted and distraught when I arrived at the place. I was just about to walk out of the tae kwon do dojo and give up, but I ended up going outside for some air. My friend came outside looking for me, worried, and he basically convinced me to go back into that dojo, put on a straight face, and try my best to pass the testing. When I walked back in, another friend of mine helped me remember all the forms that were required for this testing. Those two were just so supportive that I couldn't help but feel grateful that I befriended them at tae kwon do. I kept telling myself that I couldn't let them down. Along with those two guys, there are all these other guys in my demonstration group (demo for short) at VLMA who work hard everyday, to make me look good for our performance on Sunday. Trust me, that is not an easy task. They are the type of people who will put you back on your feet and help you through the hard times when you're just about to give up and walk away, the kind of people who will give you really harsh (and I MEAN harsh) criticism so that you'll try harder in the future to improve yourself. If not for them, I wouldn't be able to do everything I can do today at tae kwon do. They motivate me to improve each and every day. There's always something better than better. It might sound cliche but meeting these people was fate. 

"Tae Kwon Do is basically that home away from home for all of us, that place where we could just be ourselves, the place that helps us grow up, and the place that allows us to temporarily forget about all our problems and just have fun. "

tae kwon do testing

Have you ever had this weird feeling about something that hasn't happened yet? Like, you know something bad is going to happen, but you don't know exactly what yet? Well, I don't know. I have that exact feeling right now at the pit of my stomach. Tae kwon do testing is tomorrow. I am already at an advanced level there, but I can't help but still feel nervous about testing every single time it comes along. I have to prove so much to so many people and I have such a limited amount of time to perfect myself to show them. I have to prove to my teacher and everyone at tae kwon do that I'm trying my best, and that I DESERVE my belt and that I deserve to pass this testing. It's the pressure that gets to me. There's so much going on through my mind during the whole process and when there's that much pressure in the air, I can't get my mind to think straight. I only have a few more hours to practice everything all over again. But even when I get things perfect at home, I lose my train of thought during testing. My mind suddenly goes blank and I forget practically everything I learn, especially in front of people. Unfortunately, I don't do so well in crowds. I always have this feeling that they expect me to do things a certain way, and that I'll have to live up to their expectations. I just hope that this nervous feeling I have right now goes away soon, and that everything will turn out fine tomorrow at 4 o'clock. I guess I'll just have to try my hardest, and hope for the best!(:

first post(:

Hi. My name is Cindy.  I am a sophomore this year at Gunderson High School and I'm currently typing my first blog. I don't do any sports at school but many know that I do tae kwon do outside of school four to five days a week. I also attend Chinese school at Leland every Saturday and I am a teacher's assistant at Vietnamese school, held here at Gunderson every Sunday. I basically have school 7 days a week but of course, I still have a life. I'm in fifth period right now, accelerated English with Mr. Thompson. I have to mention that I have  the BESTEST friends in the world who always make my day and keep me entertained throughout the hours, days, weeks, months, and years at Gunderson. I always look forward to coming to school each and every day for them.(: