For my entire life, the only thing I've worried about is keeping up appearances and living up to my relatives' expectations. For 15 years, I feel as if I've been the furthest person from the real "Cindy." It's not like I feel fake or anything but like, I feel that it so overrated to always look and act perfect. Perfection doesn't exist and everyone knows that. There might be things that may seem close to perfect, but it's still not perfect perfect. I didn't bring this "perfect" topic up for nothing of course, I was talking about my life the last 15 years. I've been expected to keep the grades with nothing less than a 4.0. I was expected to be the perfect height (which I am not, according to my relatives), have the perfect face, the perfect hair, etc.? What more can I say? There was too much to keep up, I couldn't handle it. Sometimes, when I get the report card back with the perfect grades on it, I ask myself:
"Who am I doing this for? Myself or all these people watching me 24/7? Why am I trying so hard to be perfect for these people? What would happen if I decided to make my own decisions and learn from my own mistakes? Would I still do this well if I wasn't judged by my relatives every single time I try something new?"
I don't know what I would do if I had the freedom and the liberty from judgement. I feel like I was modeled and taught to do all of this and that if I were to ever change, I would fail. It makes me scared to think of the possible outcomes, but then I realize that I'm strong and that I could do things without being told so. I could make my own decisions. If I make the wrong decision, I'll take the consequence(s) and learn from my past mistakes. One day, I will no longer have to pretend to be someone I am not. I will not have to worry about what others think of me and what they expect of me. For now, I'll just have to keep playing that act but one day, I will be ME. I just hope that, that day will be soon.
3 comments:
Very nice written paragraph I think?
Well, I think that you are not pretending or something that you was saying in that "paragraphs". Do you feel good when you get your report card back and you see that you got As or Bs? I think most kids do and do you even ask yourself that can you do better or you be proud of youself? Human have many different faces. I understand what you mean because I act like you alot. Expectation is what make human strong and firm on where they standing. You were say something about making decision but it seem as it not you that are making the decision. If you didn't know, all of us(include me) have free choices. You are what you decise to be and I think your families or relatives just want you to be on the right track.
You are right when you say nothing is a perfection but everything have something that is close to perfection. It all depend on the human eye to see how perfect something is because everyone had different point of view on something. Perfection is not just look but what you think about it too. You trying hard because it your nature, for except you ditch shcool or being a bad person. It would get tire sometime in your life and when you become old. You will think back your teenager life and most kid never though about what their future be. I'm not saying that you don't think but sometime those though will make you a better person and help you in your life. It seem I wrote alot. Srr >.< Oh yeah, If you see anything that is offensive, plz tell me because I'm not really good with expressing my thought when I'm writing.
I love your post! its really deep I love all of them.Keep it up cindy :)
Cindy, this is so true. But, for me, I get good grades because my parents bribe me. That's the deal. NO good grades; NO phone, going out, etc. So I think you are doing it for your family, but I don't know if they bribe you. Maybe, me and you should lower one of our grades and see if our families care(:
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