keeping up appearances

For my entire life, the only thing I've worried about is keeping up appearances and living up to my relatives' expectations. For 15 years, I feel as if I've been the furthest person from the real "Cindy." It's not like I feel fake or anything but like, I feel that it so overrated to always look and act perfect. Perfection doesn't exist and everyone knows that. There might be things that may seem close to perfect, but it's still not perfect perfect.  I didn't bring this "perfect" topic up for nothing of course, I was talking about my life the last 15 years. I've been expected to keep the grades with nothing less than a 4.0. I was expected to be the perfect height (which I am not, according to my relatives), have the perfect face, the perfect hair, etc.? What more can I say? There was too much to keep up, I couldn't handle it. Sometimes, when I get the report card back with the perfect grades on it, I ask myself: 

"Who am I doing this for? Myself or all these people watching me 24/7? Why am I trying so hard to be perfect for these people? What would happen if I decided to make my own decisions and learn from my own mistakes? Would I still do this well if I wasn't judged by my relatives every single time I try something new?"

I don't know what I would do if I had the freedom and the liberty from judgement. I feel like I was modeled and taught to do all of this and that if I were to ever change, I would fail. It makes me scared to think of the possible outcomes, but then I realize that I'm strong and that I could do things without being told so. I could make my own decisions. If I make the wrong decision, I'll take the consequence(s) and learn from my past mistakes. One day, I will no longer have to pretend to be someone I am not. I will not have to worry about what others think of me and what they expect of me. For now, I'll just have to keep  playing that act but one day, I will be ME. I just hope that, that day will be soon. 

the future

There has been so much homework nowadays. I knew to expect more homework from the accelerated and honors classes this year but I didn't expect this much homework. It's not exactly the number of pages or the number of problems that is making me stress so much but instead it's the material we are learning that is new to me. Unfortunately, my chemistry teacher isn't exactly the best at describing things in detail and answering questions. In my opinion, the class is moving at a really quick pace, in a way, too fast for me. I can barely understand what she is teaching us right now. She moves onto new topics almost every day. Right when I barely start to catch on, we move onto the next chapter so I never get a chance to interpret everything correctly. It worries me. I'm always thinking to myself: "If you can't handle homework this year, your sophomore year in high school, how are you going to handle college?" I can't help but stress over that question. Every single time I'm about to give up, 

I ask myself this question and  it somehow gets me back on track. This question gives me the urge and motivation to keep going and try my best in everything I do.

Antigone

Since I was absent on the day that everyone was assigned to write the quote explaining the character in Antigone, I'm going to do it today, even though I'm 4 days late. 

The quote I would use to portray Antigone is the following quote that she says to her sister:

"My death will be sweet once I bury him, because I will be lying next to him the underworld, having committed such a sacred crime."

I think that this quote shows Antigone's devotion and love for her brother. She doesn't care about paying the toll of possibly her own death to simply be able to bury her dead brother who she believes deserves a proper burial just like her other brother. Her selfless act shows me that she is just a loving younger sister who just wants her brother to rest in peace.  

teenagers

Why is it that teenagers nowadays (when I say teenagers, I also include myself in this) go through so much drama that affect them in the worst ways possible and force them to grow up so fast? I really don't understand why we all have to go through that "non-stop drama" phase when we can just be carefree and not have to worry about anything except for the simple basic things and needs in life. You can ask every teenager at our school and a majority of them will say that they've been through arguments with friends or arguments with parents, over the tiniest things. If we were to ask our parents about their teenage years, they would have made a list of fun eventful memories from their time and their list of dramas would not even be close in comparison to what we all have now. Our list of memories could be just as long as our list of troubles or of  things that bother us. Like right now, I am letting so much get to me. I'm letting basically everything bother me in one way or another. Like for me, when there is so much stress involved,  I get confused at so many things,  and when I am confused and I end up making way too many mistakes, some I regret later on because they are not fixable. My attitude goes a little crazy and I'm always scared I'll take my anger out on the wrong person, someone who doesn't know what's going on in my life, who doesn't deserve to be yelled at. Either that or I'll cry over everything. Seriously, when stress gets to me, I'm basically an emotional wreck. 

to turn back time

What I would give right now if I could only turn back time...along with what happened at school today, a lot of other stuff popped up between me and my friends too. I had this really close friend and he was just always there for me through everything as I tried to be there for him through whatever he was going through. We both basically had each other's backs and we'd always know who to turn to for support at all times. But tonight, something bad happened between us and it risked our friendship in the worst way possible. I can't stand losing friends and it just hurts me to let them go. I wish I could turn back time so badly sometimes and change things so that they wouldn't be the way they are now. But as everyone knows, that's impossible. He says that he's different and that we'll stay friends no matter what but I'm scared. I wish I could believe it but this has happened so many times already between me and friends that it's hard to just trust that line. I'm scared I made the wrong choice and did what I did, but I guess I have to trust my gut instinct and face whatever consequences that will come my way. I just hope that our friendship is stronger than that because we've been through stuff with each other before. It's just nothing this serious has ever happened and I'm just scared that our bond won't be the same as before even if we learn to move on and try to forgive and forget. I felt as if I was losing him slowly by the minute while talking to him tonight and I am terrified of that feeling: the feeling of being left behind and forgotten. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I just want my best friend back. 

freedom of speech

Okay, so like today is barely the...what? Fourth week of school? And so much has already happened at Gunderson. Just last week, that whole incident in Mr. Miclette's first period became the main "thing" around the school and almost everyone heard about it. But today, in chemistry, things got pretty heated. If the teacher can accuse one student of "bad" behavior and blaming that student for disrupting the class to the point where the student had to be taken to the front office, why couldn't she just send the whole class with the student? The whole class ended up arguing with the teacher anyways but she didn't send anyone else to the front office. It seems more like discrimination to me. I just hate how both of these events that happened within the 2 week period just revolves around discrimination of some sort. I just wish that discrimination could be made illegal all around the world. I just don't understand why humans would hate on each other and make such a big deal out of something like that. I thought that as American citizens, we had the freedom of speech, the right to say whatever we believed without be punished for it. Sadly, that freedom is pretty limited in some particular classes at our school. 

a home away from home

Right now, I am so glad to have friends at tae kwon do. If not for them, I probably wouldn't be the "me" everyone knows me as now. My day basically involved two schools: Gunderson and Van Lang Martial Arts (VLMA). Like I mentioned in my previous blog, today was my tae kwon do testing. In my opinion, I think I did pretty decent, at least enough to pass the test and advance to the next level. Who knows? I could be wrong, but whatever, I'll find out on Sunday. Something happened before tae kwon do today, at home, so I was really distracted and distraught when I arrived at the place. I was just about to walk out of the tae kwon do dojo and give up, but I ended up going outside for some air. My friend came outside looking for me, worried, and he basically convinced me to go back into that dojo, put on a straight face, and try my best to pass the testing. When I walked back in, another friend of mine helped me remember all the forms that were required for this testing. Those two were just so supportive that I couldn't help but feel grateful that I befriended them at tae kwon do. I kept telling myself that I couldn't let them down. Along with those two guys, there are all these other guys in my demonstration group (demo for short) at VLMA who work hard everyday, to make me look good for our performance on Sunday. Trust me, that is not an easy task. They are the type of people who will put you back on your feet and help you through the hard times when you're just about to give up and walk away, the kind of people who will give you really harsh (and I MEAN harsh) criticism so that you'll try harder in the future to improve yourself. If not for them, I wouldn't be able to do everything I can do today at tae kwon do. They motivate me to improve each and every day. There's always something better than better. It might sound cliche but meeting these people was fate. 

"Tae Kwon Do is basically that home away from home for all of us, that place where we could just be ourselves, the place that helps us grow up, and the place that allows us to temporarily forget about all our problems and just have fun. "

tae kwon do testing

Have you ever had this weird feeling about something that hasn't happened yet? Like, you know something bad is going to happen, but you don't know exactly what yet? Well, I don't know. I have that exact feeling right now at the pit of my stomach. Tae kwon do testing is tomorrow. I am already at an advanced level there, but I can't help but still feel nervous about testing every single time it comes along. I have to prove so much to so many people and I have such a limited amount of time to perfect myself to show them. I have to prove to my teacher and everyone at tae kwon do that I'm trying my best, and that I DESERVE my belt and that I deserve to pass this testing. It's the pressure that gets to me. There's so much going on through my mind during the whole process and when there's that much pressure in the air, I can't get my mind to think straight. I only have a few more hours to practice everything all over again. But even when I get things perfect at home, I lose my train of thought during testing. My mind suddenly goes blank and I forget practically everything I learn, especially in front of people. Unfortunately, I don't do so well in crowds. I always have this feeling that they expect me to do things a certain way, and that I'll have to live up to their expectations. I just hope that this nervous feeling I have right now goes away soon, and that everything will turn out fine tomorrow at 4 o'clock. I guess I'll just have to try my hardest, and hope for the best!(:

first post(:

Hi. My name is Cindy.  I am a sophomore this year at Gunderson High School and I'm currently typing my first blog. I don't do any sports at school but many know that I do tae kwon do outside of school four to five days a week. I also attend Chinese school at Leland every Saturday and I am a teacher's assistant at Vietnamese school, held here at Gunderson every Sunday. I basically have school 7 days a week but of course, I still have a life. I'm in fifth period right now, accelerated English with Mr. Thompson. I have to mention that I have  the BESTEST friends in the world who always make my day and keep me entertained throughout the hours, days, weeks, months, and years at Gunderson. I always look forward to coming to school each and every day for them.(: