Lost Love

I found this poem from my poetry portfolio last year and it just fit what I’m going through so well right now that I simply HAVE to post it up. I won’t post up the whole poem because it is way too long so I’ve decided to just post up the crucial parts of it, the parts that have a profound effect on my life that I could relate to.

“Lost within thought, that love has perished and can never be regained,
Fighting against fate for that emotion that I wish to attain,
That emotion that I had within reach is becoming more and more distant as time goes by,
Sitting on a cloud of hope, I peacefully sigh.”

Those were the first lines of my poem that I thought were important and couldn’t resist posting up. The last few lines were near the end of the poem.

“All I ever want is that lost love,
Wishing for it to fall right from above,
Wanting you to walk right out of my dreams
Let’s take a stroll along an infinite stream.”

I think these are the exact lines that I could relate to in life right now. Like I said in my previous blog, there are some feelings that I am trying to regain after losing it. If only I could take a stroll like in my poem and forget about everything in life. I won’t say anymore than those so please don’t ask. I just felt like it would help me to open up about my life right now and I guess it did help. I feel like everything in my life is so complicated right now. Suddenly, out of the blue, everything started piling down on me and I don’t know how to react to those events.

Human Nature

Why do people always want things they can’t have? For example, not all of us can have that friendship, love, affection, acceptance, respect, etc. we yearn for. Why is it that as humans, we also have this crazy trait? All of you have to admit it; there has been something in your life that you have wanted to have so badly, even when you know it can’t be yours. I am going through that right now. I wish for affection that I had let go of in the past. Unfortunately, I realized how much it meant to me and how badly I want to attain it again just recently, which is too late. Seriously, I think it’s a bad trait to have as humans. Why do we do that? If we didn’t desire these feelings, these things we call necessary in our life, we wouldn’t have to go through drama. The world would have one less thing to worry about. But then again, I have to contradict with myself, I guess, we can’t help it. We don’t realize how important someone or something is to us until we’ve lost it. I regret the choices I have made so much and I know a lot of people around me are going through the same thing too so I just wanted to let these feelings out and tell them that they’re not alone.

Indecisiveness

Is the worst trait to have sometimes. I mean, I know what I want but at the same time I'm not sure? Is that a normal trait to have? Because from what I see, indecisiveness can lead to so many things: people suffering, hurt, or just confused. I can simply summarize it in 3 words: I hate it. But then again, in a way, I am afraid of it. Like for me, when I am faced with two decisions and I don't know which one to choose, I get this weird voice in my head telling me to just let them both go. I can't choose one only because, I guess, in a way, I am a greedy person. I don't want just one of those choices, I want both. If I end up choosing just one, I will regret the decision later on in life and start asking myself the "what if" question. That's when I go into this phase where I just close off the world and basically close a wall around me just to avoid making anymore mistakes in my life. But as humans, I guess it's normal to make many mistakes because no one is perfect. I guess, all I want during those times, is a guardian angel, a hint, a sign, anything that could help tell me what to do and which choices to make. Sadly, that doesn't happen. Life forces you to make your own decisions, face your own consquences, deal with those consequences, and learn from the experience. "Fortunately for me, I have friends who will support me all the way, whenver, wherever, through whatever."

dont you just hate it

When parents don't respect your privacy? I don't know if many people share this problem, but in my family, my parents are way OVERLY overprotective. Like, you have no idea. I'll be online doing my homework and my dad will be right behind me watching my every move. It gets so bad that we get into arguments about this stuff all the time. My parents don't believe me when I'm online doing my homework at 11 p.m. at night. Obviously I'll be staying up late because I have tae kwon do 4 days a week usually from 6 p.m.- 7:30 p.m. I usually get home around 8 p.m. each night and I'm taking accelerated classes this year so obviously I'd stay up later than I did freshman year. During my freshman year, I barely had any homework and my parents kind of assumed that I'd have that same amount of homework the second year around. It gets so out-of-control sometimes and my parents and I get into so many arguments nowadays, since the day I turned thirteen to be exact. They always assume that since I entered my teen years that I'd be some wild crazy child that doesn't care about school. If you knew me today, you would know that I am the FURTHEST thing from that. To sum it all up, I guess what I'm trying to say is,  I wish that they would just put a little bit of trust into me and believe me once in a while. 

a family heirloom?

Yeah, in my family, there really is no single family heirloom. We pass everything and anything onto the next generation from clothing to jewelry. There's not exactly one thing that gets passed down. I guess, another way to see it is, anything and everything is special in our family. I'm guessing it's because anything important to my grandparents is still in their home country, lost or sold. My grandparents on my mom's side had to leave Vietnam many years ago to come to the United States, and when they left, they had a limited number of suitcases in which they could use to carry their stuff  so they only brought clothing and necessities that they will use in their new country. I wish they could have brought some things from their childhood but that never happened so there aren't any items from generations ago. But then again, I guess family heirlooms can start anytime right? If my grandma or my mother were to start something right now and pass it down to me, and I pass it on to my kids and so on, then that means the heirloom would start in this generation. Now that I think about it, that would be pretty cool actually. Maybe I should tell my mom about this soon.(:

Prince Charming

Does he really exist out there somewhere? Like, as kids, we read all kinds of fairy tales such as Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, the Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast, etc. Now what do all those stories have in common? Well, for one, they all have happy endings. It gives us young girls hope that one day, we will find our prince charming and run away and live a happy life together. But seriously, will that really happen with ALL of us? Like happy endings almost seem overrated sometimes.  I'm not trying to say I don't believe in true love, but all I want to know is "How do you know when you've found the right one?" Yes, I'm too young to think this far ahead into the future, but day by day, I see friends find someone who make them happy and wonder if that will happen to me one day. I just have too many questions in life that go unanswered and I get confused and when I'm confused, I let the tiniest things bother me.  I don't know. I guess I should just appreciate all that I have now and just worry about keeping friendship bonds instead of this. If it happens, it happens right?(:

a day to remember

Every once in a while, I think everyone needs a day off. Since the stress starts building up more and more everyday, it's healthy to just relax for a day with a friend(s) and just get everything off your mind. For me, it's basically not even a day, an amount as limited as an hour would do me good. I remember 060208 of freshman year. That day was my day to relax with my best friend. It was a school day and it was near the end of the school year so we decided to just hang out that day after school to relax and chill with each other. That day will forever be remembered by me. We didn't do anything too special of crazy, but we just basically threw everything bad away for that limited hour or two and had fun. We jumped fences, rolled down hills, took pictures, and basically talked about everything that needed catching up on. It was just so peaceful. I still remember that on that day, the weather was perfect. For me: " A few hours free of stress is like a dose of medicine on a sick day." I love how that day stayed in my mind for the longest time. My friend and I still remember that day pretty darn well and I just decided to blog about that day because today is exactly four months since then. I'm going to change the subject a little bit here. I just wanted to mention that I love having a best friend who will just listen to me no matter what I'm going through. She listens to me on good days, bad days, happy days, and sad days. She puts up with me through everything. How? I really don't know myself. But I just wanted to write this blog to show her that I appreciate having a friend like her so much. She definitely made my high school life a lot better and my days at school a lot more enjoyable. We have so many memories together and yet, there's more to come. She taught me the definition of "fun" and, this might sound cliche, but it's true, Katelyn Schaich, you have definitely changed me for the better. (:

iLOVEyou hun.

<3